Toucan play at that game

24th June 7:24 am Esdelle Street

The sun shines hard on my face. It's higher than the tree that must have been protecting me last time. Like someone's got their ball stuck up a tree but that ball's on fire and is the sun. The air is cool and the fly is back checking out my death feet. The yard is mid-change. Not in a changing seasons kind of way. More that we're halfway through sorting it out. Models of exotic birds, cacti and half constructed brick islands compete with tubs of mortar and discarded wees killer for our attention now. 

My 7:30 alarm breaks my concentration, that was when I thought I should / would wake up today. That could be my "sliding doors" moment today. Somewhere else, in a parallel universe maybe, I stayed in bed for that extra 20 minutes. I wonder what will happen to that me? He won't have done his grounding meditation and wouldn't have written this - although he may have written it from the angle. In other words writing about the me that is me now. 

Anyway back to this universe/existence. Had a vivid dream last night (Is that existence?), lots of ex girlfriends / crushes in the same place. I think it was a whole holiday park full (More Center Parcs than Haven - snobby subconscious!). Although it's weird, I started this paragraph with a clear idea of who and what I dreamed about but it's like my subconscious has put the barriers down. "No you are not writing that down, that is sensitive data that will get us both into trouble." I'll try to remember to go straight to dreams next time.

Almost Autumnal Autopsy

Sat at my desk looking out from my artificially lit nhs window on to the gradually approaching grey grizzle of Great Yarmouth. It seems that summer is at an end so soon enough I will be looking out of this same window at pitch black late mornings and early evenings devoid of light. I am a self prescribed sufferer of SAD. I think it's fair to say that anyone brought up in the Cayman Islands and air dropped into Norfolk's biggest seaside resort at the age of nine would suffer from the same affliction. Though to be honest I think that SAD is one of those things that almost doesn't need to be said. Seasonal Affected Disorder - I mean who isn't affected by the seasons? It's like saying you have a phobia of being stabbed in the eyes or that you have an allergy to having your genitalia grated. I think it's more that in the Carribean there is very little difference between the seasons. If you think of the gulf between mid winter and mid summer here it is massive. The only difference there is you may get away with a factor or two less sunblock in "winter" (say factor 48 instead of 50) and you may be able to stay out in the midday sun a couple of seconds more before your resemble a walking kebab. My point is I don't really think I have SAD, I have ABTFTSE (Affected By The Fact That Seasons Exist) - It doesn't quite roll off the tongue does it? - which is why these transition periods of weather, amount of daylight and people's behaviour make me feel so fecking depressed.

I blag therefore I am

Back at my desk after 3 days off, a so called long weekend, and a so called short week to come. I realised this morning that I've been doing this job for exactly a year now. A full year of not really knowing what I'm doing, a full year of blagging it. I said to one of my friends at work that maybe this is the meaning of life. Not just the pursuit of happiness but being open to blag it if you don't quite find it. I don't think it's about blagging to other people that you are happy, that's more like empty bragging and anyone in their right mind can see through that. I mean sometimes blagging yourself, yes you have dreams and expectations about yourself but unless you are very lucky or very driven these are not going to be achieved overnight and there is quite a large chance that they won't happen at all. Your best chance then, in my book, is to point yourself towards where you want to be and get on with your life. Aim for that target, actively seek to get yourself there but don't let that define you. You are not what you are, you are what you think you are. Now do I actually mean that or am I just rationalising not being where I want to be?